Hogwarts Classes as John Mulaney Quotes
if-youre-not-a-dog-then-leave:
Care of Magical Creatures: You need to show dominance over your puppy.
Defense Against the Dark Arts: STREET SMARTS!
Potions: I grabbed it, drank all of it, and said “It’s perfume.”
Flying: Cars were pulling up and looking over to see who just did that piece of shit move, expecting to see like a hundred-year-old blind dog, who’s texting while driving and drinking a smoothie. Instead they see a 28-year-old healthy man trying his best.
Transfiguration: This is an on fire garbage can. Could be a nursery.
History of Magic: That’s like when your gram would be like, “We’d all go play jacks down at the soda fountain!” and you’re like, “No one knows what you’re talking about, you IDIOT.”
Muggle Studies: “I think Emily Dickinson’s a lesbian.” And they’re like, “Partial credit.”
Frog Choir: So we put in seven dollars and selected 21 plays of Tom Jones’ “What’s new pussycat”
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